Tuesday Flamboyant Non-Olympian Open Comments

It’s not just drag racing that some men think should be Olympic sports. There are some men who would like to compete in some of the more graceful sports in the Olympics. They do not like the cold, so figure skating is out. They are afraid of heights, so diving is out.

Whatever are they to do?

Step 1: whine about how wimmins have an unfair advantage and have extra “sports” available to them.

What are these “sports”, you might ask?

Synchronized swimming:

Rhythmic gymnastics:

Both of which involve “men” flopping about, prancing, hopping, or otherwise flouncing around like one or more Kansas City f****ts.

Monday Olympic Results Open Comments

Yesterday, gtotracker complained that drag racing was not an Olypmic sport. This shortfall has now been remedied.

In this picture, we see Stefán Goldberg of the United States narrowly edge out Gætan Mnðfasnø of Cameroon for the Gold Medal in the inaugural Drag Racing competition in the Olympics. Coming in third was Mönröë Gåstagnê of France (far left) after Michele Fontìína of Switzerland (second from right #7) was disqualified for unsightly facial and body hair.

Friday Olympian Open Comments

We here at the Hambone leave no stone unturned, no couch un-looked-behind, no road untraveled, no mountain unclimbed, no weak excuse for a meme unused to keep you people in the know on current events.

The Olympics are opening now and there are many sports you’ve heard of and probably plan to watch: basketball (meh), gymnastics (pretty impressive, especially the rings), rhythmic gymnastics (gack!), track & field (quelle traditional), swimming (ditto), and numerous others, including some lesser-known ones.

(dude in the back gets extra style points)

Thursday Frying Maestro Open Comments

Mr. Eric Campbell, you are a True American. President Obama can yammer all he wants about how what you’ve done would not have been possible without the government, we all know that you are that magical combination of garage tinkerer, huge idea guy, innovator, and gutsy hero.

Wrap a hot dog in bacon, deep-fry it, dip it in “bacon-bit-enriched” batter and give it another hot grease bath. The technique is a little more complicated, though, and Eric Campbell, fry master extraordinaire, said these dogs are labor intensive and the method is proprietary.

“Keeping (the bacon) on the hot dog took a lot of experimenting,” he said. So don’t even try to bribe the sweaty teenagers working the stand for the secret.

Others have tried and failed to do what you have done. Figuring out how to get bacon to adhere to a hot dog on a stick while it’s fried not once, but twice, took the inspiration of a savant.

We salute you.

Wednesday Open Comments

As I write this, on Tuesday evening, I am suffering from a mild headache and an overall sense of “bleah”. I’m really pushing it to get through the evening. And as I sit here, I see Barf Kitty.

I create a “cat cave” for her out of a blanket, and lately I’ve started filling a hot water bottle with, of course, hot water and shoving it under the blanket. Since cats are better than some military armament in seeking heat sources, it keeps her happy and content and out of my lap.

At times like this, when I’m stressed, frustrated, and tired, I look at that cat and think…

If I get a second chance, I’m coming back as a house cat.

Monday Not-So-Happy Valley Open Comments

By the time most of you people read this, the NCAA will have announced the sanctions it plans to invoke against Pennsylvania State University as a consequence of the (in)actions its senior management took when made aware of the vile, disgusting acts committed by the child molesting former coach, Jerry Sandusky.

The NCAA’s possible sanctions range from a simple slap on the wrist to a variant of the “death penalty”. The last (only) football program to be given the “death penalty” was that of Southern Methodist University in the 1980’s. At the time the penalty was issued, SMU was a very high-ranked program and National Championship contender. Twenty years later, SMU is, at best, considered an also-ran, having never regained the stature it once enjoyed.

To be sure, the Penn State issue is of an entirely different nature than that of SMU. SMU was found to have violated many rules against paying or otherwise giving financial benefits to players. Penn State has been found to have looked the other way, at the very best interpretation of events, when confronted with allegations that one of its coaches was a serial child molester.

There are those who say that the current players, coaching staff, student body, and fan base of Penn State had nothing whatsoever to do with the actions of Sandusky, so why should they be penalized?

While all these people and groups and nothing to do with Sandusky’s disgusting activities, they also have no real stake in any penalties. Players are free to seek other programs with no penalty, coaches are free to move to other programs, the student body can root for the basketball or baseball teams or simply spend their time studying, and the fans can find one of the many other football programs to support.

The prime intent of the penalties the NCAA will implement will be to reduce the influence of the Penn State football program. From the report issued by the commission led by former FBI Director Freeh, it is apparent that the Senior Administration of Penn State and it football program either turned a deaf ear toward or actively suppressed the allegations raised regarding Sandusky’s activities. That these individuals felt they had to act the way they did speaks volumes about the undue influence of the Penn State football program and Joe Paterno. It is clear from the Freeh Commissions report that Paterno was deeply involved in the coverup and suppression of Sandusky’s actions.

The question boils down to whether an NCAA “death penalty” is an appropriate sanction.

An NCAA “death penalty” is not only appropriate, but is the minimum penalty appropriate for something of this magnitude. We are not talking about recruiting violations, paying players, inflating grades, or even gunfire in the athletic dorms (thank you, Barry Switzer). We are talking about one of the most singularly heinous crimes, that of sexually molesting the most innocent among us, our children – in particular, children who were experiencing family problems of some sort and were therefore even more vulnerable than others.

The NCAA should impose the “death penalty” in some form, for surely child molestation and its coverup is several orders of magnitude more significant than mundane recruiting violations.